28 Signs Of a Cheating Spouse
Sign 1 - Working a lot overtime
Working a lot of overtime is one of the most common signs seen when you have a cheating spouse. Ninety percent of the time, a person who is having an extra-marital affair cheats with someone with whom he or she is friendly and close with at their job.
An affair with someone at work just doesn't happen overnight. If you and your spouse are experiencing marital problems, your spouse might need someone to talk to. If your spouse has known the other person for a while, he or she may feel they can trust and confide in that other person.
When a spouse has an affair with someone at work, the amount of time spent away from home can be limited. The spouse will say that he or she either has a late meeting or is working overtime in order to cover up the time away.
Establishing who your spouse is cheating with is relatively easy. Listen closely to what your spouse has to say when talking about work. There might be a reference to a co-worker in conversation or the use of the name as one of the people who also has to put in the extra time. There are numerous excuses for a spouse to work overtime, such as cut-backs on the job, or restructuring in the company. Although these excuses could very well be true, this is still a pattern to look out for.
Here are some of the tip-offs which indicate the spouse is not working overtime or is not at a late night meeting:
Sign 2 - LEAVING EARLY FOR WORK
Leaving work early for work happens when your spouse does not have the type of job that has planned meetings or overtime. Your spouse will only have this time to spend with the lover in the office.
For example, if your spouse and the lover meet early at work, they will have quiet time to spend together before the other employees arrive. They could also make time to meet for breakfast or a pre-planned destination such as a park, restaurant, motel, or the lover's house.
In many cases, the lover is also in a relationship or married as well. So, this early morning encounter works out well for both parties. They are content and seem satisfied with the short time they have to spend together.
Sign 3 -EXCESSIVE USE OF THE INTERNET AND E-MAIL
A person who is addicted to the Internet escapes into his or her own fantasy world. Mostly everyone is lying to each other, and one would figure that having the excitement of being able to talk with others anonymously from all over the world would not cause any harm. Reliving the fantasies with strangers off your computer can be quite harmful to your real life relationship.
Correspondence becomes so personal, true identities are revealed, real relationships are formed. What actions should you take when your mate has extended the boundaries of your marital relationship? Our answer: When you feel as you would feel if being married to an alcoholic or drug addict. Your feelings of anger, isolation and frustration are just as painful.
Sign 4 - UNACCOUNTABLE HOURS
Unaccountable hours occur when your spouse has a lot of free time. This sign is especially true with those spouses who own a business. Some spouses choose to gamble, drink, or shop with their free time, and others choose to pursue having an extra-marital affair.
Usually in the beginning stages of an affair, the subject can't think of answers to give the spouse as to where he or she has been or is going. The spouse may feel confused about having the affair, and fears getting caught in a lie.
For example, the subject may have had a two-hour break between
clients, and claims to have gone shopping for the two hours—but
didn't bring home any merchandise.
When the spouse is pressured
for an answer, he or she is unable to answer, or may use an
excuse such as "I went out to the store," or "I went for a walk
or a drive."
Sign 5 - ACTING VERY RESTLESS AT HOME
Acting very restless at home is when the spouse is there in body, but not in mind. The spouse is restless doing minimal chores around the house or can't seem to sit still, fidgets and is generally in an irritable mood.
The most restless day of the week is Sunday. The spouse knows that Monday will be the first time he or she will be able to see or talk with the lover since Friday.
Very often, the subject will leave their home, claiming to need something at the store, or provoke an argument in order to talk to or to see the lover for a few minutes.
SIGN 6 - LEAVING HOME DURING AN ARGUMENT
Leaving home during an argument happens many times when a spouse wants to leave the house, so the spouse can call or meet the lover. The spouse has exhausted all other excuses, and is usually very restless at home. Go with your gut feeling if you think something isn't right with your spouse's behavior.
When you make an attempt to talk with your spouse, he or she usually starts an argument, taking the offense, so that you are kept on the defense. Your natural reaction is to back-off due to the restlessness and accusations.
Your spouse may insist on leaving or going for a drive to calm
You may end up thinking that you have been pushing your
spouse too much, and you should become more understanding.
note once your spouse returns: is he or she more relaxed now?
This may be because your spouse either called or spent time with
Sign 7 - ADDITIONAL MILEAGE ON THE ODOMETER
Additional mileage on the odometer of a vehicle tells you if your spouse is indeed staying late at work or is just going to the store. You can check to see if there is any additional mileage on the vehicle.
Does the mileage coincide with the daily destinations? You can calculate the additional mileage on the vehicle and determine how far the subject must drive to meet the lover. You can determine a radius around where the subject drove last, to see the possible area where the subject meets the lover.
Sign 8 - HAVING NEW FRIENDS
Having new friends mentioned is a possibility of having an affair. The spouse needs to have an alibi, one which you are unable to track. When the spouse uses new business associates or new friends as an excuse, there is no possibility of your checking up on them. There is no chance of your running into these new friends.
Listen closely for name dropping of these new friends.
example, you may ask another associate, who should know your
spouse's acquaintances, about that meeting last Thursday and how
Listen for the tone in the associate's voice, as well
as the reply.
Does it sound like they have no idea what you are
Do they begin to hem and haw, at a loss for
Or do they say "it went great"?
Sign 9 - SMELLING OF PERFUME OR ALCOHOL
When a spouse states they are at work, at a meeting, or out with associates, the smell of perfume or alcohol should not come into the picture if they are telling the truth.
For example, when a female is dating a male, she will always wear perfume and lipstick. Many men tell their girlfriends that they are single. The man can't tell the female not to wear perfume and lipstick, as that would tip off the female that he is married.
The man will try not to get too close to the female during the date. He might even take along a change of clothing and switch back, so that the wife doesn't get suspicious.
Sign 10 - HIDING THE HOME TELEPHONE BILL
Hiding the home telephone bill is a sure sign that your spouse is having an affair. The spouse enjoys the excitement and risk of being able to call the lover when at home. He or she will call their lover even when the spouse is at home, in the shower, outside, or on a different floor of the house.
When the spouse attempts to hide the telephone bill it's because he or she does not want the spouse to find the lover's work or home phone number. A spouse might even have the telephone bill mailed directly to his or her place of employment to omit the chance of the spouse's ever seeing it.
Once you have found a strange telephone number, you might be able to obtain the name and address associated with the number if it is published. Services like Caller ID and Call Return are available in most states.
If the lover is calling your spouse, it might show up on the Caller ID. If you don't already have the terminal hooked up to your phone, subscribe to it. This can easily determine the lover's name and address.
Hide the Caller ID unit in a place that your spouse won't see
Scan the numbers everyday—especially the times that you are
not around and your spouse is at home.
Call Return or *69
(offered in some states) can be utilized to obtain the last
Check the re-dial of your phone to see who the
last call was made to.
Sign 11 - HIDING THE CELLULAR OR CAR TELEPHONE BILL
Hiding the cellular or car telephone bill is also a sure sign of your spouse having an affair. Just as with Sign No. 10 (hiding the home telephone bill), hiding the cell and car phone bill can be compared to the same theory.
However, with a car phone bill, every call is documented—which enables you to plot all of the calls. By scanning the most frequent calls made, you will find just a few numbers will appear.
Look for recognizable numbers, such as your spouse's place of employment, your home, your spouse's best friend, or his or her mother. You can then eliminate these numbers and concentrate on the phone numbers that are not familiar.
Phone numbers leading to another male or female are obviously your main concern. Also, look for telephone numbers that appear before and after the subject's work or residence number was called. The strategy behind this thought is that your spouse might have called you to inform you that he or she is running late or must attend a meeting in order to get your consent. The spouse will then immediately call the lover to confirm the scheduled date! Consequently, the spouse has generated a pattern.Sign 12 - SAYING "IT'S YOUR IMAGINATION"
Saying “It’s your imagination” is a direct reaction and accusation from your spouse when you begin to question the fidelity in your relationship.
Telling you that this "so called affair" is in your own imagination usually takes place once your spouse has become comfortable and lazy with the regular excuses. Laziness of hiding the affair usually happens after six months or more from the beginning of it. This is when the lovers make mistakes and you begin to take real close notice. The spouse makes mistakes when he or she begins to show numerous signs.
When you began to take notice of your spouse's behavior, it was only natural for you to confront your spouse with your suspicions. You have made your spouse more clever to cover-up the affair. An affair can not be hidden forever!
We understand it's difficult for you to not say anything to your spouse, but you have to remain in control over your emotions until you get the facts.
The cheating spouse will always try to keep you off-guard, and wants to play with your emotions. You have been made to believe this affair is all your fault and in your imagination.
Remember, you're not the one who's crazy!
You know something is wrong and you have to find out what is
making it that way.
Listen to your gut
Sign 13 - RECEIVING HANG-UP PHONE CALLS
Receiving hang-up phone calls is a significant indication of a cheating spouse. There are several reasons you or your spouse would receive a hang-up phone call. For example, a lover could become angry at your spouse and will call to get his or her attention.
Here's a case scenario: your spouse was supposed to call the
lover at a certain time, but was unable to do so since you were
The lover waits for the call, and the more time that passes,
the more upset the lover becomes—until they just can't stand it
anymore and they call.
Another situation develops when the lover wants to talk with your spouse, and repeatedly calls until your spouse picks up the phone. The need to talk for a few minutes is very strong. In this situation, the lover is attempting to keep control of the affair as well as cause trouble in the marriage.
Hang-up phone calls are usually made by an immature person. They are also quite annoying. Keep track of when they occur and watch what your spouse does. Observe the reaction. As stated in Sign Number 10, services like Caller ID have become most helpful in determining your phantom caller.
If the lover is calling your spouse, it might show up on your Caller ID. If you don't have it hooked up to your phone, then subscribe to it. All it takes is for the lover to make just one call and most likely his or her number will appear on the terminal. Don't tell your spouse about the Caller ID unit. Your phantom calls might just stop, and you'll never find out who is doing this to you.
Hide the unit where your spouse won't see it. Scan the numbers everyday. Keep track of all strange numbers that appear, even if it says the number belongs to a pay phone. Keep track of when the calls take place. Notice if your spouse is at home or returns shortly thereafter. The lovers might have just left one another.
SIGN 14 - RECEIVING AN ANONYMOUS PHONE CALL
Receiving an anonymous phone call telling you to watch your spouse more carefully is usually from a concerned person who knows of the affair. This person has feelings for you and does not want you to be the last one to know. If your spouse is having an extra-marital affair, you probably are the last to know. No one has the heart to tell you in person.
In some cases, it could be an "old flame" who calls, who was possibly dropped for another lover. The friend calling you believes he or she is breaking up the new relationship and that the spouse will come back.
It also could be a friend, neighbor, your spouse's secretary, or
even the lover's spouse.
If this happens, use the call to your
advantage by asking questions.
SIGN 15 - THE PERSONAL PURCHASE OF A PAGER
The personal purchase of a pager indicates a strong sign of cheating.
If your spouse's company felt it was important that he or she has a pager, they would have supplied one a long time ago.
You can press the key on the pager to find out where the last twelve calls came from. By writing down those numbers, you can see the most common number that your spouse is receiving, and at what time they came in.
Also look for coded pages like 777 (Lucky 7's could mean, I'll see you tonight) or 458-8968 (transcribes to I LUV YOU), or 464-7782 (transcribes to I MISS YOU). Pretty sneaky, huh?
Sign 16 - INTERESTED IN A NEW STYLE OF CLOTHING
If your spouse claims that he or she wants to feel young and single again, they will usually buy a new wardrobe. Or your spouse may suddenly claim that his or her present wardrobe is either outdated or has the basic business look.
It is up to you to decide if your spouse's behavior is out of
For example, your spouse might have bought the
type of clothing that you have probably been trying to get them
to wear for years.
The spouse will attempt to purchase what the
Or the lover will go shopping for your spouse
who tells you he or she bought it.
Sign 17 - INTERESTED IN EXERCISE
This sign is for the person who was once a couch potato and now doesn't miss a work out at the gym.
Similar to purchasing new clothes, exercising makes the subject feel younger and more attractive to a potential lover. Perhaps your spouse has recently lost weight and is getting more attention from others.
Keep a log of the days and hours spent working out at the gym. Your spouse could be having an affair with someone they work out with.
Sign 18 - NO LONGER IS INTERESTED IN SEX
A couple who has had a sexual pattern which changes drastically is usually a sign of a cheating spouse.
Your spouse might use excuses like "It's the pressure at work," or "It's the house bills," or the demands of children, or even pressure from the two of you arguing lately.
Your spouse will never say it's because of the lover that he or
Document the times your spouse looks extra nice when
going out or to work.
That might be the day your spouse is
meeting the lover.
Sign 19 - NEW SEXUAL TECHNIQUES
New sexual techniques often become evident when you know your spouse always enjoyed having sex a certain way.
For example, if your spouse has a new sexual technique, you might not believe this idea came from renting an X-rated movie, or an adult magazine. A new sex partner is probably where they learned it.
Perhaps, your spouse changed his or her own style and interests and wants you to perform it. Your spouse may use these new techniques with you—but fails to realize that you see this change not as fun, but as a warning flag.
Sign 20 - FINDING BIRTH CONTROL ITEMS
Finding birth control items in your spouse's car, luggage, clothing, or hidden away in the house would compel you to confront them.
This sign is for those couples who don't use contraceptives or haven't in years. You can't expect your spouse to admit to their infidelity—because they won't.
If you confront them, they will probably use the excuses of: 1) It isn't mine, my friend is having an affair. 2) I'm holding it for someone else. 3) It's ours from a long time ago, don't you remember?
If you find birth control items, don't tip your hand by telling
them that they were found.
Instead, check periodically to
determine when the birth control was used.
For example, one
more condom is missing.
Sign 21 - FINDING HIDDEN LINGERIE
If you spouse is hiding lingerie in their car, luggage, or hidden away in the house would compel you to confront them.
This is for those couples who don't normally wear lingerie or haven't in years. You can't expect your spouse to admit to their infidelity—because they won't.
If you confront them, they will probably use the excuses of: 1) It isn't mine, my friend is having an affair. 2) I'm holding it for someone else. 3) It's ours from a long time ago, don't you remember?
If you find hidden lingerie or other clothing items, don't tip your hand by telling them that they were found. Instead, check periodically to determine when the clothing was worn or last washed. For example, if you notice it always being washed on Wednesdays, then your spouse probably wore it on Tuesday. Or if you notice it always missing Monday morning, but then it is there again later that week. Monday is probably the day your spouse is meeting their lover.
Sign 22 - NO LONGER WEARING A WEDDING RING
No longer wearing a wedding ring is an age-old sign of a cheating spouse.
If your spouse frequents a singles bar or hang-out with single friends, they might hide their wedding ring. When a spouse tells their lover they are separated, the lover will not want them to wear the wedding ring when they are together.
Sooner or later, the spouse will forget to put it back on before
Sign 23 - UNEXPLAINED PURCHASES ON CREDIT CARD BILL
Look for unexplained purchases on your spouse's charge card.
Study itemized bills or a receipt for an item which you haven't received. Your spouse will never think you took notice of these charges.
Also, place special attention on a spouse who uses company charge cards. Look for charges from florists, department stores, hotels and restaurants.
Sign 24 - TAKING BUSINESS TRIPS ALONE
Taking business trips alone when at one time you were always invited along can often be a sign of a spouse with something to hide.
If a spouse travels a lot for the company, he or she might be having the lover come along for a mini-vacation. The lover could be a co-worker who also must attend the business trip.
It doesn't cost the subject much money, as the company is
already providing the hotel, food, car rental and other
By having the lover along, the spouse will be more
relaxed—not having to worry about anyone seeing them.
will have a great time at their company's
When the spouse gets back, look for those
Sign 25 - ACTING TOO CLOSE TO A BEST FRIEND
It is quite common to find the subject having an affair with your best friend!
People cheat with others they are closest to. Friends and couples who hang out together, especially neighbors, usually have much in common. For example, your spouse's friend has a lot of the same hobbies and interests as you both do. The four of you spend considerable time together. When your spouse is attracted to your friend, the affair begins by innocent flirting. They both think they are good for each other. When the affair is in full bloom, it will ruin a friendship as well as two marriages.
Sign 26 - SAYING "I NEED SPACE"
When the subject is caught between the spouse and the lover, they can no longer think rationally.
If your spouse tells you he or she needs time to think things through, to be able to go out with their friends and be free for a while, to unwind and relax, then there is a real problem.
No one should abandon their marriage to be single again—it was supposed to be a lifetime commitment, remember?
Your spouse's behavior has placed you in a difficult position. You are told you cannot ask any questions, which helps your spouse to avoid the marital problem and only to tell you more lies. If you let your spouse leave the marital household, you have let your spouse justify having an affair. If you have no choice in the matter, seek the services of a therapist or marriage and family counselor, as well as a matrimonial attorney.
Sign 27 - SAYING "YOU SHOULD START TO DATE OTHERS"
When your spouse suggests the two of you begin going out and start living your own lives, this usually indicates that they have already found someone else. They have made the decision for you.
Your spouse encourages your freedom, in order to relieve their own guilt. He or she wants you to be secure with another person. If your spouse has taken these sharp measures, it is safe to say that they have been seeing someone else for a long time. If you choose to accept their request, you're only making it easier for them to leave, lessening the guilt.
If you are not comfortable with your spouse's decision, it is
imperative to seek the services of a matrimonial attorney who
will advise you on your rights.
Sign 28 - SAYING "LET'S SEPARATE"
When your spouse encounters enough pressure by your asking too many questions, and the lover persists in wanting more quality time, your spouse feels as if his or her world is falling apart.
Do not feel sorry for your spouse— remember your spouse was the one who started this mess.
Separation is very serious. When a couple separates, your spouse will usually say he or she is moving in with a friend, a relative, or getting an apartment. Look for signs that you will only be able to contact your spouse at work, by pager or cell phone. If your spouse does not give you a direct telephone number to the new residence, then he or she is probably living with the lover.
Consult the services of a matrimonial attorney. Once your spouse has decided to leave the matrimonial household, you must be given guidelines to your rights, alimony, child support, and legal options.
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