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Should I Spy?
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
If you are a spouse who suspects your partner might be having an affair, wants to find out if he/she is telling the truth or has a need to discover details of the affair, this article is for you.
7 Legitimate Motives for Spying
1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself.
Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.
2. Spying may help you feel connected to your partner who seems to be steadily moving away from you. It is a way of maintaining contact and have some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.
4. If you suspect that this behavior might be the end of the relationship, you want to protect yourself legally.
5. You want to protect yourself medically. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.
6. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you can’t miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.
Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?
Usually the person having the affair does not see or will not admit the duplicity of his/her clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn’t make sense, but then again not much about an affair borders close to sanity. Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries.
The affair broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception. Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It’s intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
Are You Ready to Handle What You Might Find?
1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover the worst? Do they
2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional hurt
4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care? What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?
6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face?
Spying is Not Revenge
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